Take a Load Off!

Work can be stressful from time to time and its very important to grab a few minutes for yourself.

So in light of this, enjoy a few office jokes (courtesy of http://albertaventure.com/):

The Raise

Sam walks into his boss’s office and says “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” asks the boss, “Which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company!”

Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. “This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks. “He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”

Curious, the man asks, “What does he do?” The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

Time to Go

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.

“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker. “It was something my boss said,” she replied.

“What did he say?” the co-worker quizzed.

“You’re fired.”

Day Off

An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says the employee “I knew I could count on you!”

Order of Operations

The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss of a company are on their way to lunch when they stumble upon a beat up, but valuable looking brass container.

The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke. The genie is grateful to be set free, and offers them each a wish.

The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”

Poof! She disappears.

The sales chief says, “I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong.”

Presto! He vanishes.

“And how about you?” asks the Genie, looking at the boss. The boss scowls and says, “I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM.”

Moral of the Story: Always let your boss speak first.

The Paper Shredder

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Succession Planning

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day, the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”

Three months down the road there is major drama in the office and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” He starts to reorganize and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes.”

Salary Expectations

Reaching the end of a job interview, a Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of school about his salary expectations.

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Employee Motivation

The owner of a company tells his employees:

“You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000.”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”